meet me in the garden, where you planted sunflower seeds that refused to grow. where you cried when hurricane Irene knocked down the only sprouted seed. when you jumped with glee at the sight of the first sunflower that survived. when you learned to tie your shoelaces the world must’ve stopped for a minute. your joy illuminates my thoughts, memories of your smiling face grants me the comfort I so gently seek. you struggled to whistle, pouting in frustration and eagerness. eventually you got it, and I can hear the tune you recited with your father. he would start the melody, a known signal for you to finish. sometimes you’d giggle too hard at the silliness of your dad. you’d attempt to plaster on a straight face so you could manage to whistle but it would only cause you to laugh more wildly.
you’d frolic on the playground, it was called the castle. your favorite was the monkey bars, how you could hoist yourself up there and swing your body around. Joy was an innate part of your soul. An infectious disease to all around you. Emotion spilled out of your eyes and mouth and hands and feet. You were never one for the subtleties or level headedness. You jumped in head first, fearlessly, and smiled the whole way down. But most of all, your heart was twice the size of your body. You always knew what fulfilled you. The gift of loving and being loved. Even then, in your sketchers and polka dot skirt, you just wanted to hug your mom. plan play dates with your friends. get your big sister to play with you. snuggle with your dog. jump into your dads arms as he got home from work. Love oozed from your big brown eyes. Living never felt so easy.
now I sit here glancing at the kids on the playground as I did last summer and the summer before. surrounded by pleased flowers happily swaying in the summer wind. to be swinging on the monkey bars with no thoughts. to be naive without consequences and impulsive without judgement. to love freely and wholeheartedly without heartbreak. to soak in the times before love had a negative connotation and games were just hide and go seek. before I realized the world wasn’t a playground but a war zone. Before my mind became a constant battlefield. i long for a life you’ve already lived, one we won’t get back.
But still I feel you on a sunny day when there’s nothing to feel but content. I hear you whisper “it’s okay, we’ll be okay” on the days I ache for the lost people and time. I sense you cheering me on when I’m nervous to speak up. You remind me how wonderful I am when I hesitate to believe there is any meaning to my life. Life became much more complex and ambiguous and dark, and I may feel distant from you at times, but somehow you’re always with me. And finally I recognize your voice within the clamor of my thoughts.
Nicole, your vivacious heart still beats in me. your big expressive brown eyes are with me as we watch the world together. your hopeful spirit is in there somewhere, even if fear and insecurity hide her. I know this world is harsh and our mind is harsher, but we face the hardships in unity. we grow older, we evolve, we change, but every version of ourself resides within us. and every version of us has wisdom to guide us through. So you are a sunflower seed of hope within me, and i will be sure to water it, give it sunshine, and fertilize it with my love. And we will blossom. Thunderstorms may flood our soil, hurricanes may damage our leaves, and tornadoes may tear us up entirely. Yet our roots will remain intertwined deep into this earth. And you and I will flourish again, and again, and again.
My Sunflower.
Nicole: P.S.
i still whistle that same tune with dad.
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