Scanning the room
feeling the tears arise
i watch another woman sob
i think to myself
will that be me?
i stare down at the tiled floor
i notice the pattern, counting as many as I can from my vantage point
i notice the muted colors of this big room
and the fake plants and the fake smiles
i notice everything but the truth.
I’m too scared to feel the weight of it.
She probably won’t make it.
I look at my mother but she’s turned away from me, hiding the tears which escaped her eyes
she tried to call my dad, but no answer
it is 1 am after all
I think about my life.
How she has been there since basically the beginning of it.
How I’ve cried, holding her in my arms, through the many ups and downs of adolescence
And now I’m here, holding her in my arms as she can barely take a breath
It tears me up inside
Life effortlessly slams my head against a wall again
And I don’t think I can do more loss
Handle more absence
And I know I will miss her
More than I want to deal with
And the tears stream down
So I quickly wipe them away
Not today, please not today.
And my moms on the phone now
And it doesn’t look good
And I’m panicking inside
And i don’t wanna do it anymore
Loving people, dogs, places
Just to watch them fade away
It’s not okay
No it’s not okay
Another girl walks in
Panic in her voice
I focus on that instead
She said she thinks her dog is having a seizure
She said her name is Nicole.
Her dog is named Willow.
She said, “be careful with her leg, she just had ACL surgery”
Willow I’m just like you.
It’s beautiful when I really think about it.
How much we love pets, more than humans sometimes.
It’s beautifully tragic, knowing they will only survive a sliver of our lives.
Yea, beautifully tragic.
Willow started seizing.
And I can’t help but feel the weight of this fucking depressing place.
Where is my mom?
Who’s on the phone?
What’s going on?
I don’t know.
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